Whew! I'm one tired, overwhelmed, emotional lady. I've always struggled with anxiety. It's manifested itself so many ways in my life. I think that my faith was always the best tool I had for keeping myself balanced. With shifts in my faith over the last ten or so years, I've had to really work harder. For years I had panic attacks where I didn't feel like I was getting enough air. I've been taken to the ER because I felt like I had appendicitis. It's always been a part of me. I have this definite genetic propensity for anxiety.
I get my anxiety honestly. It's a pretty dominant theme on both sides of my family. I usually come to a point where I accept that life with lots of love and lots of people working hard at loving each other can sometimes turn into a big emotional meltdown. But, it's hard to see that in the middle of the afore-mentioned emotional meltdown.
I know who I want to be and I really feel like I'm pretty close to that about 85% of the time. It's the other 15% that I'm worried about. Working in the restaurant industry certainly isn't helping. It helped me get finished with school (finally!) and it has helped me make decent money while still taking care of my baby girl. But, I really don't think it's doing much for my personal growth. I'm not trying to make excuses; but, I'm definitely the type of person who soaks in all of the energy around me. I want to be better about that. I wish that I could take negative energy and insert positive energy. I can sometimes one-on-one. But, in a group, I just feel weak and out of control of my own actions and emotions. I really want to be the person who lets things roll of my back and who can be rational and balanced all of the time. But, I'm pretty flawed and I can't muster up that ability all of the time. I just can't.
Tonight I let something get to me at work. That something led to two other silly little nothings getting to me. Before I know it, I'm being a total girl and crying. Girls, you know those days where the tears start coming and you can't stop? I just had one. They're pretty far and few for me. But, it seems like they always happen to me at work. I'm SO BLESSED to have such a laid back, smiley, funny, and sweet husband. I feed off of his energy all of the time. I'm proud of my marriage and what we have. I'm so thankful for him. We work together too. It's really great most of the time. We're a really good team. The last two hard nights like this (at work) have been when he wasn't there. I have what he calls "righteous fury." I know I do. I believe in justice. I'm constantly struggling to be a person of integrity. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. I get so frustrated period. I get frustrated with people who act like they don't care about other people and who aren't fair. I can't stand it. Maybe sometimes I can look past that and see the better aspects of a person. But, it's hard to do sometimes.
I really don't think that there is anything wrong with being an emotional person. I do think there is something wrong with not taking personal inventory and dealing with emotions in a healthy way. I was really making huge progress in that department. But, I've been letting work really get to me lately. I've let it take away from everything that I am and everything that I want to be. A few extra dollars in the bank just isn't enough. I've got a little girl to raise. I hope that she's better than me, smarter than me, sweeter than me, and tougher than me, So far so good. That little girl really is awesome.
Life is so good. But, it's so hard. I think I just need to take a step back and work on focusing my energy on being a good mom and a good wife. I know I'm a good bartender. But, working nights and being away from Ava and not being able to keep my head above water keeping up my household is just not helping me emotionally. I'm so overwhelmed that I don't think I can really get a grip until I let go of some things. So, this is me letting go. This is my sweeping public declaration. It's time to make some serious changes in the life of Angela Shelton Chandler. In January, I start working on my graduate degree. I've really got to get my own life straight if I'm planning on being effective in my career. So, please pray for me and send me some positive vibes. I don't put much of this kind of thing on here or online. But, I could really use it right now. I re3ally want to become more respectable, more kind, and more gentle. I'm really trying.
