Life is good....but dang if it isn't pretty hard

Whew!   I'm one tired, overwhelmed, emotional lady.   I've always struggled with anxiety.   It's manifested itself so many ways in my life.   I think that my faith was always the best tool I had for keeping myself balanced.   With shifts in my faith over the last ten or so years, I've had to really work harder.  For years I had panic attacks where I didn't feel like I was getting enough air.   I've been taken to the ER because I felt like I had appendicitis.   It's always been a part of me.   I have this definite genetic propensity for anxiety.  
I get my anxiety honestly.   It's a pretty dominant theme on both sides of my family.   I usually come to a point where I accept that life with lots of love and lots of people working hard at loving each other can sometimes turn into a big emotional meltdown.   But, it's hard to see that in the middle of the afore-mentioned emotional meltdown. 
I know who I want to be and I really feel like I'm pretty close to that about 85% of the time.  It's the other 15% that I'm worried about.    Working in the restaurant industry certainly isn't helping.   It helped me get finished with school (finally!) and it has helped me make decent money while still taking care of my baby girl.  But, I really don't think it's doing much for my personal growth.   I'm not trying to make excuses;  but, I'm definitely the type of person who soaks in all of the energy around me.   I want to be better about that.   I wish that I could take negative energy and insert positive energy.  I can sometimes one-on-one.  But,  in a group, I just feel weak and out of control of my own actions and emotions.   I really want to be the person who lets things roll of my back and who can be rational and balanced all of the time.   But, I'm pretty flawed and I can't muster up that ability all of the time.   I just can't.  
Tonight I let something get to me at work.   That something led to two other  silly little nothings getting to me.   Before I know it, I'm being a total girl and crying.   Girls, you know those days where the tears start coming and you can't stop?  I just had one.  They're pretty far and few for me.  But, it seems like they always happen to me at work.  I'm SO BLESSED to have such a laid back, smiley, funny, and sweet husband.   I feed off of his energy all of the time.  I'm proud of my marriage and what we have.   I'm so thankful for him.   We work together too.  It's really great most of the time.  We're a really good team.     The last two hard nights like this (at work)   have been when he wasn't there.    I have what he calls "righteous fury."   I know I do.   I believe in justice.   I'm constantly struggling to be a person of integrity.  I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.   I get so frustrated period.  I get frustrated with people who act like they don't care about other people and who aren't fair.   I can't stand it.   Maybe sometimes I can look past that and see the better aspects of a person.  But, it's hard to do sometimes. 
I really don't think that there is anything wrong with being an emotional person.   I do think there is something wrong with not taking personal inventory and dealing with emotions in a healthy way.   I was really making huge progress in that department.   But, I've been letting work really get to me lately.  I've let it take away from everything that I am and everything that I want to be.   A few extra dollars in the bank just isn't enough.    I've got a little girl to raise.  I hope that she's better than me, smarter than me, sweeter than me, and tougher than me,  So far so good.  That little girl really is awesome. 
Life is so good.  But, it's so hard.  I think I just need to take a step back and work on focusing my energy on being a good mom and a good wife.   I know I'm a good bartender.  But, working nights and being away from Ava and not being able to keep my head above water keeping up my household is just not helping me emotionally.   I'm so overwhelmed that I don't think I can really get a grip until I let go of some things.   So, this is me letting go.  This is my sweeping public declaration.   It's time to make some serious changes in the life of Angela Shelton Chandler.    In January, I start working on my graduate degree.   I've really got to get my own life straight if I'm planning on being effective in my career.   So, please pray for me and send me some positive vibes.   I don't put much of this kind of thing on here or online. But, I could really use it right now.  I re3ally want to become more respectable, more kind, and more gentle.   I'm really trying.  

Mamahood

My sweet angel just fell asleep in my arms while I was reading stories about different mamas who have faced different challenges than I have. So, I transferred her to her snugabunny for a nap. The first story was about a mama who had a baby with down syndrome. I then clicked on a friend's page to discover that it's the 4 year anniversary of her sweet angel passing away (from Spinal Muscular Atrophy). So, I started thinking about a few of the issues I've faced as a mama. It's been an amazing 3 1/2 months. I thought that I knew so much about love before I was pregnant and while I was pregnant. But, no one could possibly illustrate or articulate the kind of love you have for your baby. But, we're not perfect. We're human and we do our best as mamas. But, we often fall short. We're all such different women with different aspirations for ourselves and for our babies. We already make ourselves feel guilty enough. Why should we make others feel guilty? I feel guilty when it takes me a minute or two longer to peel myself out from under the covers when she wakes up in the morning. I feel guilty when I get lost in my own thoughts and go into autopilot and forget to sing to her and talk to her. There are so many things that I hope that I'll accomplish as a mama. But, there are already so many things I've deemed unrealistic. I cannot even fathom using cloth diapers. (I worry more about my own sanity than the environment.) It's easy to assume that what is best for you will be best for others. I treasured the advice and the help that I got from other mama-friends when Ava was first born. I had support and encouragement and positive advice. But, there are always critics. I've struggled with criticism and let it get to me and used my accomplishments as a mama as a stick to shake at those confidence-killers and back-handed compliments. I shook my head at a neighbor who told me she wasn't interested in breastfeeding because she had previously shaken her head at my husband because I had taken my three-week-old to the grocery store with me. I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want people to be able to make me feel like I'm doing wrong by doing what's right for me and I definitely don't want to make anyone else feel like that. So, this is me trying to share my own personal experiences in a non-judgmental way. I want others to know what kinds of options they have and to learn from some of my experiences. I was inspired by so many mamas out there. I hope that I can help to inspire someone, too.

Breastfeeding:

Feeding your baby will be a lot of work regardless of whether or not you breastfeed. Sometimes you're so exhausted that simply holding up a bottle is a daunting task. But, you have to do it. You have to push through and feed that baby. When my baby was first born, I had a really really tough time with breastfeeding. She wouldn't nurse from one side (for the first 2 months) no matter how many times I tried. So, I nursed and I pumped. Pumping saved my sanity through the engorgement period and through those first few weeks. If it weren't for pumping, I probably wouldn't have made it as a nursing mom. People made me feel like pumping and giving bottles wasn't up to par. But, it was. It was fine. Today, I nurse Ava 95% of the time that I'm home. Pumping at first worked really well for me because she's totally fine taking a bottle when I'm at work and she also loves to nurse. Nursing your baby can be the most amazing thing to experience as a mama. Sometimes nursing my baby is the only way to soothe her. I gradually grew more confident and more capable of my breastfeeding abilities. Now, I'm working on breastfeeding in public places. I'm far too shy to do it without a cover. But, those ladies who discreetly feed their babes in public definitely get kudos from me!

Baby-wearing

I LOVE it! I give my baby time to play and be independent. But, I wear her around a little bit almost every day and she loves it. Sometimes she goes straight to sleep. But, even when she doesn't sleep, she stays calm and cuddles up to my chest. It makes me feel so good to be able to keep her close to me. It also helps me have hands free to get things done. I think every mom should try on different wraps and carriers and give it a shot. It might not be your thing. But, you may love it. Don't be daunted by the complicated-looking wraps. They're actually easy.

Natural Childbirth

I attempted a natural birth. 30 hours later, I opted for an epidural. Yes, 30 hours later. Labor is VERY painful. Yes, relaxation techniques and breathing techniques help. Birthing tubs help a lot, too. A doula is a very good idea as well. But, natural birth is certainly not for everyone. My best advice to anyone who is pregnant is to watch videos and to read birth stories. Decide what kinds of birth stories inspire you the most and try to shape your birth plan around the same types of concepts. Then, prepare prepare prepare. I don't know where I would have been without the work I did preparing myself for birth. The most important outcome is a healthy baby. But, the birthing process is also very much about you becoming a mama. Don't underestimate the pain or the joys of giving birth. It's really a life-changing experience.

Ava's Birth Story

From the time I found out I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time preparing to become a mom. But, I wasn't just preparing for diaper changes, breastfeeding, and baby care. I spent a lot of time preparing for the birth. I do believe that the birth is a huge milestone for a woman. I did my best to approach it with confidence and with courage. I envisioned myself enduring the pain of childbirth peacefully and with the help of my husband and my doula. I prepared myself to endure the pain of childbirth with no unnecessary interventions. I watched countless videos of women enduring childbirth in the way that I intended to. Let me go ahead and say that I did accomplish this. I certainly didn't have any unnecessary interventions. I also don't know what shape I would have been without mentally preparing myself and without my amazing support system.

At 25 weeks, I switched doctors. My new doctor was a sweet, patient, and understanding man. He understood my goals for childbirth and encouraged me. He constantly reassured me and told me that I would easily birth my child. He said that my height and my hips were great for childbirth. He was right. Unfortunately, my cervix was the one part of my anatomy that was not willing to cooperate. As my due date came and went, I still never dilated. But, that's not entirely abnormal. I was told that my cervix was "grisly." I still have no idea what that really means. All I know is that I spent 38 hours in labor. Yes, 38. That's just counting the time when my contractions were actually coming regularly and consistently.

Throughout my pregnancy, I went to prenatal yoga classes. These classes kept me strong, flexible, and (most importantly) sane. The classes were taught by my superamazingfantasticdoula and I would recommend them to ANYONE. It was a time to focus my mind, envision the birth and my sweet baby, and to prepare my body for the most challenging thing it would ever endure.

At exactly one week past due, I sat down for my last prenatal yoga class. We began the class in our usual way of going around the room and telling how far along we are and how we're feeling. The other women in the room all knew that I was past due. Everyone smiled as I said "41 weeks." The class I had attended two days before had been challenging. I was almost in tears as I moved through poses and felt weak and exhausted. But, this class was different. I moved through all of the same poses and felt confident and strong. Immediately after class (at 6:30 PM) , I started to have contractions. Afraid that the contractions would stop if I rested,
I kept moving. At 11:45 that night, they were stronger and were coming at 7 and 8 minutes apart. I tried to sleep and was too excited for that. I stayed awake all night, giddy every time I felt a contraction coming on. Yes, giddy. At 6 in the morning, they were coming 4 and 5 minutes apart. I still couldn't believe it was real. Part of me was convinced that I would never go into labor. I thought that I would be pregnant FOREVER. When we got to the hospital, I was immediately taken to a room. My contractions were coming 2 minutes apart. I thought to myself, "This baby is coming fast! She'll be in my arms today!." I was a little disappointed that she was coming the day before the brand new women's hospital was opening.

I spent the day doing yoga poses, breathing through contractions, and chatting away happily in between contractions. I started to have back labor pretty early on. At first, it just felt like a bad kidney infection. By the end, it felt like I was being repeatedly stabbed in the back. 11 hours later (17 hours into labor) I was only at 4 centimeters. That's where I stayed for 20 hours of my labor. My sweet doctor left for vacation assuring me that I would be in good hands. The on-call physician spoke to me briefly in the hallway. Then she went home. I spent all night long being told repeatedly that I was still at 4 centimeters. I begged to have my water broken or to have something done that would help me make some progress. But, nothing could be done without the doctor present. She was at home and could only be called in case of an emergency. I couldn't lie down because of the intensity of the pain in my back. I hadn't slept the night before and I certainly couldn't sleep at this point. So, I walked and walked and walked. I walked and talked with my mom, mother-in-law, and my dad. I walked in circles around a table in the cafeteria. I giggled because a security guard eyed me and probably assumed that I was an escaped mental patient. At some point in the night, the nurses finally figured out a way to fill my birthing tub. The water was warm and amazing. It was the only place I really could get comfortable. I floated, relaxed, and even got a tiny bit of sleep while in the tub. But, soon I was made to get out to get checked. My 15 minute intermittent monitoring turned into 45 minutes at a time pretty early in labor. Once I was able to get back into the tub, the water was practically icy. The nurses tried to empty some water by dumping it into the sink using bedpans. I was amazed that they didn't have a way of pumping itout and pumping new hot water back in. The water was never really warm again. Sadness. My only true relief from some of the pain was gone. Shortly after, I had another cervical check. I had just endured two hours of very very very intense contractions and several emotional breakdowns. Everyone thought that I had surely made some progress. Two nurses checked me. I was told that my cervix was stretchy and that my bag of waters was bulging. But, they thought that I was at nine centimeters! My doula turned and told me that I was almost there! The two really intense hours had been transition! I was almost ready to push. I was ELATED! I was so relieved and excited. It had been almost 30 hours. 10 of which had been excruciating. I had not slept in about 40 hours at that time. But, then, I was checked by a third nurse. The third nurse sighed and said "I'm sorry sweetie. You're still only at 4. It was just hard to tell because of the bulging bag of waters." Being checked THREE times is bad enough. But, being checked and told you're at nine centimeters and then being told that you're only actually at 4 is just AWFUL. Well, if that wasn't awful enough, the doctor entered shortly after. He was extremely agitated and told me that I would have to "start thinking about the baby." I'm not sure what kind of information he was given. But, he seemed to think that I was in the predicament I was because of my own stubbornness. He was abrupt and rude. We assured him that we had been asking for something to be done all night and that there was no doctor there to do it. He then said "You're not in labor. You're in labor when there are active changes being made to your cervix. There are no changes in your cervix." Tears came to my eyes. I couldn't take much more. I decided that I needed an epidural. Within minutes the angel in the form of an anesthesiologist appeared. He was not only nice and gentle. He was also DAMN GOOD at his job. The epidural was perfect. I felt relief almost immediately. My husband, family, and doula could finally all rest. It was just in time for me to be moved to the new women's center. You see, I was in labor for so long that one hospital closed and another opened. Relieved and relaxed, I was taken to my new room. I took a long nap while hooked up to a pitocin pump. I woke up to watch the contraction monitor rise and fall. I was SO GLAD that I wasn't having to endure the pain of those contractions.

I then had the anesthesiologist turn my epidural down. I had never wanted to be completely numb. I had gotten the rest that I needed and was ready for my baby to come. It was getting closer. I was going to be the first person to deliver in the new hospital. Nurses and doctors were excitedly waiting. A woman from marketing came and asked me if I wanted to be a part of the publicity for the new hospital.

By the time it was ready to push, the rude doctor was replaced by the most amazing doctor I've ever met. His name is Dr. Banks and I would recommend him to anyone. He made me and the nurses smile and put everyone at ease. My epidural had worn off and I was feeling the contractions again. But, I felt no no pain in my back. I pushed for about 35 minutes. I watched in the mirror as I pushed. It was AMAZING. My doula and my sweet husband, rested and rejuvenated, held my feet and legs as I pushed. My doctor was right, I wouldn't have any problem pushing. It was painful but not nearly as painful as the contractions. It was actually fun. Strange, huh? As I delivered the head and shoulders, my doctor had me reach down and grab my baby girl under the arms. I was able to actually deliver her myself. I reached down and pulled sweet Ava to my chest. It was the most amazing moment of my life. I was the third to deliver at the new women's center. An emergency c-section and the birth of a woman's 12th child came before me. It was difficult getting to it. But, it was all beautiful and amazing in the end.

Stationery card

Baby Bird Birth Announcement

Graduation invitations and announcements by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Vows to My Daughter

• I will not let a day go by without telling you that I love you
• I will not let a day go by without showing you how much I love your Daddy
• I will show you what love is
• I will pray for you and with you
• I will hug you and kiss you and cuddle with you as long as you will let me
• I will protect you as best I can
• I will teach you how to protect yourself and stand up for yourself
• I will always tell you how beautiful you are, inside and out
• I will rock you and read to you as much as I can when you are little
• I will always keep your secrets
• I will always listen to your problems
• I'll let you learn from some of my stupid mistakes so that you don't have to make them yourself
• I will always make time for you even when it's difficult
• I will teach you as much as I can
• I'll take you to church and expose you to other beliefs and make sure you can make educated decisions regarding what you believe
• I will make sure you are challenged intellectually
• I will challenge you to be a thoughtful person and an advocate for the less fortunate.
• I will make sure you get the best education possible
• I will always advocate for you
• I will laugh with you
• I will try to laugh at your jokes even if they're as silly as your dad's jokes
• If I can't answer your questions, I'll find out the answers
• I will save for your college
• I will teach you how to save money and budget
• I will travel with you so that you can learn about the world
• I will always encourage you to be a better person every day
• I will expect you to treat others with dignity and respect
• I will expect you to demand respect from others
• I will do my best to be a good example for you at all times
• I will teach you how to do your makeup and how to shave your legs
• I will teach you how to cook and bake
• I will dance with you
• I will make sacrifices for you
• I will catch you when you fall
• I will always love you. Forever.
• I will do my best.
• We will grow together.

Your friendly pregnant bartender

I've tried pretty hard to limit the cynicism in my blog. I've spent countless hours fantasizing about writing an anonymous blog where I can blow off steam about all of the things that bug the crap out of me. Actually, I even went so far as to create an account. I was quickly overcome with guilt about adding to the negative energy in the world by spewing my venom into my anonymous blog (which would surely be an interesting read...right?)

But, I really need to keep it real and fill you all in on the trials and tribulations of your friendly pregnant bartender. I can't hold it back. The world needs to know. I work in a fine dining restaurant. This is not a college bar. This is not a "bar bar." I don't make screaming orgasm shots or whatever the hell kinds of junk other bartenders make. I'm a little on the snotty side, to be honest. I make old fashioneds, sazeracs, and gin martinis. 85 % of the people who sit at my bar know my name and I know theirs. They're nice people who put on their big kid panties and drink real cocktails and don't go down the wine list asking me which wines are "smooth." These people know that I'm a 27 year old married woman with a college degree and a future. They think that it's fantastic that I'm pregnant and they come in excited for updates. This blog is not about those people. This is about the jerks who order 6 irish car bombs when I'm already in the weeds and the people who want to sit at my bar and drink soda water while eating free happy hour appetizers.

Fortunately, my apron camouflages my belly pretty well. So, I spent months avoiding some of the uncomfortable conversations I've had the pleasure of stomaching lately. Those first few months weren't without their moments of glory, though. There was the pregnant woman who found out that I'm pregnant from a server and tilted her head and said "oh how sad." There was a man who told me that his wife had birthed three babes and that there is "nothing to it." He kindly offered to let me come over and pay him 35 bucks and he would get the baby out for me when the time came.

As my hormone levels mount, my diplomatic sensitivities are seriously compromised. It's getting extremely difficult to put up with some of the antics of my lovely customers. The people who I would have just found somewhat annoying 9 months ago are suddenly the most awful human beings on earth. Just last night a chubby little woman who spoke in an annoying fake girly-girly high pitched voice had the audacity to say to me "My mother told me not to be rude about these things; but, are you expecting and a bartender? I love the contradiction." I replied to her that fortunately making drinks for other people doesn't have the same harmful effects as consuming them myself. That was the best I could do. I didn't pull her stupid frizzy hair. So, I did show some restraint. I didn't ask her if she often disregards her mother's advice. I just gave her my best I-really-don't-like-you-or-your-fake-girly-voice smile.

So, here's to showing restraint. Love, your favorite friendly pregnant bartender

Watch out world! It's a GIRL!

So, I'm EXTREMELY late posting this here. But, IT'S A GIRL!!

Aaron and I found out on June 19th that our sweet baby is a sweet little lady. So, naturally, I'm simultaneously thrilled and scared to death. Little girls have a lot of challenges to face in this big and bad world of ours. I've seen little girls raised by amazing, loving families go down some pretty tough roads as they've grown up. So, Aaron and I can only hope and pray that we'll teach her as best we can and that she'll be a sweet, loving, tender-hearted, funny, smart, and amazing girl. So, we'll tell ourselves what parents have had to tell themselves for years... "Our baby will be different." I know that she'll make mistakes that I may never even want to know about... Lord only knows I made a few that I would never hope for my parents to know about. But, I have faith that she'll grow to be a woman who will make this world a better place.

Pregnancy update:

So, I'm 23 weeks along. On Wednesday, I'll be 24 weeks. I feel baby Ava kicking up a storm. Feeling her kick is the most amazing and most reassuring feeling in the world. I recently switched doctors. My first doctor was great. But, I didn't feel like I was really getting her full attention. We were rushed into and out of our appointments and my questions were always answered with "don't worry" or "it'll be fine" instead of actual explanations or advice. My doula gave me a few names of other doctors and I went with a doctor at Brookwood. I'm VERY excited to be there now! The doctor has spent a lot of time answering my questions and I feel very confident putting my pregnancy in his hands. I will also now be able to use a birthing tub for labor and maybe even for delivery! We're still preparing for natural childbirth. I'm feeling more and more confident in our ability to have a gentle birth free from unnecessary interventions. My doctor is very experienced in natural birth and is completely supportive of our wishes. He has worked with our doula many times. So, the objective now is to keep our heads down and keep preparing for a gentle, natural birth. I know that things don't go as planned. But, I refuse to approach my entry into motherhood and my baby's entry into this world with fear or with negativity.

Nursery update:

The rest of the nursery furniture is in! We have a beautiful armoire and dresser that match Ava's sweet little crib! We're really excited! The nursery is really taking shape! Ava's ridiculously-talented Uncle Ryan is coming on Thursday to paint a mural for her! The nesting has begun!

Uncle Bran Bran and Daddy moving in furniture! So glad Bran could be home to help! He's really excited about his little niece!!

Some fabrics that I'm using for the room! Everything will be so cute!!

The room with all of the furniture! So sweet!

Me at almost 22 weeks and 4 days!!