My heart is heavy. I have to get this out.
Faith seems to be something ingrained in all of us. It's a part of every culture that I personally know about. Religion and faith are tremendously important. Most people subscribe to the faith that they have been taught since they were young or the first faith that they found when they went out searching for faith. Others have experienced spiritual crises or spiritual enlightenment and have found themselves subscribing to another faith.
I raised myself in church. Very few members of my family were involved in church or any other spiritual practices. My parents did not go to church and were extremely bitter about church in general for most of my life (in their defense, they had pretty good reasons and were only reacting normally to some horrible events in their past) . From a very, very early age I walked up the street to church by myself. I was sent to vacation bible school in the summers and visited my uncle or my grandmother's churches. My mom always made sure I had study books and a Bible. I stopped going to church for a few years when I was very young because some older women in the church did not approve of my taking dance. It wasn't until the summer after my 7th grade year that I started back to church. My neighbor, Doris, spent time with me, showed me love, and explained to me that there will always be reasons to be angry or reasons to resent church. So, I decided to give church another chance. Even then, there were people having affairs and other scandals that tainted the experience. I soon started to visit another church, Raimund Heights Baptist. There, I found a home with loving people. The people of this church, were (and still are to this day) loyal, loving, and amazing people of God. We weren't taught methods like antagonizing other people with tracts at the mall and telling people that they're going to hell. We were taught to love and to be good people and to have faith. I became steadfast and filled with faith. It was an intoxicating, amazing experience. I can honestly say that during my early teenage years, I had more faith than most people I have known. I studied and prayed and truly believed. You see, I am a Christian and my faith is not as strong as it was at one point. But, it still lingers on. However, I do not adhere to the belief systems of many of the southern churches that I have been exposed to. My faith has shifted and evolved and does not fit into the same box that it did before. I have been blessed to know people who are true Christians who show love and who are truly people of faith. These people don't have to tell you how great they or their faith is. I was blessed with a pastor/teacher who spent weeks at a time using several different reference books teaching us the history and the context of many books of the Bible. We learned the Hebrew, Aramaic, or the Greek behind certain passages I learned the power of prayer and the power of faith. My parents did not share in this experience with me. My parents came to see me when I did sign language or dramas at the church. But, my going to church seemed to be a source of conflict at home during that time. I was going against the grain. Maybe it was my way of rebelling. I didn't drink, smoke, have sex, or get into any other typical mischief while in high school. I had songs in my heart and a true love for Jesus. I had motherly figures at my church who encouraged and supported me. For the record, those women are still loving and supportive and a part of my life.
I grew up in a family that is dramatic, anxious, and emotional. My parents did the best that they could not to make the same mistakes their parents made. But, there was always some sort of huge emotional fallout and always some sort of stress on the family.
I don't have the time or the energy to go into the details leading up to my own crisis of faith and loss of innocence. I'll just say that it was a heart-breaking experience. It wasn't anyone's fault and it wasn't a result of any singular even. Nevertheless, it happened and is still happening. But, I know that I'm a stronger, wiser, and more capable woman because of it. I know how important faith can be to some people. For some people, it's all that they really have to hold onto. I would never want to discourage that for a second or wish a loss of faith onto anyone else.
Ironically, when I first began college in Mobile and had my own crisis of faith, my mother and my grandparents found themselves getting back into church. I'm sure that it's been good for them. Everyone needs all of the love, support, encouragement, and teaching that they can get.
Now I find myself a grown woman. I strive to represent myself as well as possible to the rest of the world. Just like anyone else, I'm several shades of gray. I make a lot of mistakes but I also try really hard. I've really learned a lot about myself over the last few years. Perhaps most importantly, I've learned that nothing is black and white and that the greater truth is greater than any of us can know or even contemplate. I admire yogis, nuns, monks, priests, ministers, etc. for their adherence to their faith. I believe that the world is a better place with true faith and with LOVE. I believe that if you have put your faith in Jesus Christ that you are not granted a license to judge others or engage in any other sanctimonious behavior (such as holding up "ask me why you're going to hell" signs or rebuking others based on your own interpretations of their behavior) . I believe that it is your greatest responsibility to show love to all. I believe that the God is the common thread in all faiths. I respect those who do not share my faith. I admire others who are steadfast in their own faith and who demonstrate the grace of God every day through loving others and leaving each person they come in contact with a better person for having met them. I hope that Christians, Islamists, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, and any others can lead with love. It is possible to be loving and open-minded without compromising your own faith.
